The Road Not Taken
I wonder if it's a natural occurence to look back at your life and think of all the different roads not taken, just before you get married.1 of the Discovery Channel episodes I am so fond of watching suggests that we may carry certain behavioral genes to this day, inherited from our earliest forebears. I've always thought that if I ever did have anything from that time, it would be the 'nomadic' gene. I don't like sitting still too long in 1 place and every so often, I feel wanderlust - suddenly itching to see new places, meet new people and experience new things.
Since being with Dean, I've calmed down quite a bit. When I was offered the job in Singapore, my first instinct was just pure excitement - living alone for the 1st time, great office and financial independence!! But Dean's reaction (which was to break up with me) made me bury the desire so completely that when I finally got to go, I didn't really enjoy it, mostly because I was away from him.
But lately, it's starting to hit me hard... the 1st seeds were planted when I had lunch with Julie and the girls in December. Her London life seemed so exciting to me, and I found myself wondering 'what if'. And then, Harvey (my boss) told me I could work in whatever country I choose to.
Since then, I find myself looking at (my sister-in-law) Belle's life and wondering if this is all there is. She's only a year older than me, with 1 kid and another on the way in 2 months. I used to think that was the life I wanted - and I have no doubt it's a great life. But at 26, is that all I will be, all I want to be? A wife, a mother, office in the mornings, diapers at night?
What's happened to me... to wanting to see the world, going out of my box, being more interesting than I currently am? Have I lived enough to settle down and be my own person as 1/2 of a relationship? I used to dream of eating baguettes for breakfast in Paris, sketching David in Florence and wearing funky matching coats and umbrellas in London - where has that gone? I know not many people get to live their dreams, but I am in a unique opportunity to do so... and I think that's what's killing me right now.
Life is really good, and I feel so selfish to want more than what I have. I should be happy and I am - I have a great fiance, career, apartment... but I can't help wanting more. I can't look Dean in the eye, he's given up so much for me and here I go, all over again. I'm so embarrassed to admit that I want more, because he's already given me so much. The most important thing in a relationship is to look in the same direction and I feel like I just did a 180 degree turn.
God, I hope this is just a phase...
posted by moan @ 11:56 AM
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