Lost
Freedom of choice is an oxymoron. I've never been more paralyzed by the amount of choices that I have than right now. Too many choices, a new one everyday - and it only serves to make me think, "what's behind door #2?"I've been in Singapore for 2.5 years, and I've always thought I am the same person I was when I left Manila. But only lately, I realize that the change is not just having more money or longer hair.
Being here has allowed me to have more control over my life than I ever dreamed was possible. It's funny because I'm not bragging when I say that what I want to happen, will. I want to work in another country, done. I want to go to Europe on a whim, done. I want to go to Bangkok for the weekend, done. I want a new life, new friends, new hobbies, done.
It's a little scary to think about, for sure. Hard not to let it get to your head. My mom has always said, that women who are too good, too smart, too successful - well, no man wants them. I don't know if it's necessarily that, or it's just the number of choices available... not talking about having other men, just other choices beyond relationships - travel, work, friends, fun, etc.
So it's changed me in more ways than I thought it would. In college, all I wanted to be was a housewife / soccer mom. And a year ago, I upgraded that to expat housewife / soccer mom. But now, I can't even imagine having kids yet or just staying at home with the kids. Sigh I tell you, it's because of this whole dang choice thing.
Singapore has allowed so many things to happen, but I honestly think I would have been much happier never having come over. Life was so much simpler, easier and all-around happier not knowing the possibilities that were out there. Just thinking that there was 1 road in my life - work in Manila, get married in Manila, have kids in Manila - made it an obvious choice and one I was happy to make.
Where does that leave me now? Halfway between Singapore and Manila, and completely lost.
posted by moan @ 11:16 AM
3 Comments:
Hi Moan,
I SO relate to you, but in a different context. You feel lost because you have so many choices and opportunities; I feel lost because I feel I missed out on opportunities.
Sometimes I'd like to think that this is all just a case of "the grass being greener on the other side"—that if we're here, we want to be there, but if we're there, we want to be here. Does that make sense?
Or I try to take comfort in the whole "everything happens for a reason" philosophy.
Either way, it can be quite depressing when I think about it. And I feel guilty for feeling so.
When are you coming over to Manila again? Let's have dinner and talk :)
ARGH!! we so have to have dinner and talk... it may be a case of panic attacks right before you commit the rest of your life for forever past you getting old and wrinkly to 1 person at such a young age (hyperventilating now...).
It's funny because this is what I thought I always wanted, and suddenly maybe not just this. Sigh... I need a hug.
hey!! hahaha! dropping by!! :)
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