Non-Negotiables
Yotch is drooling over Thom Filicia (the interior designer on Queer Eye), whose autograph she got today.
I had to keep reminding her that no matter how cute he is (and I don't even think so!!), he happens to be gay. And I'm sorry if this is politically incorrect, but I'm afraid that's a non-negotiable! I don't have a lot of those, but being gay is definitely one of them.
Rule #1 - The man should look and act like a man. This is a no-brainer... You should never be in danger of being mistaken for the man in the relationship. I don't want a man who has boobs that are bigger than mine, or alternatively, who looks like an ironing board with nipples.
Not to say that thin men can't be good (i.e. Ryan Gosling, Keanu Reeves) - just as long as he looks like 1) he won't blow away with the wind and, 2) he can protect you (refer to #2). We're talking about a MAN - boys need not apply, even those who are already men but look like boys. You don't want to end up looking like their mother or older sister (ugh).
He doesn't need to be gorgeous, but it definitely wouldn't hurt if he is on the road to hunk-dom. But note that no matter how good-looking, it counts for nothing if 1) he prefers other men or, 2) he doesn't act like a true man who treats his woman with love and respect. Enough said.
#2 - The man must know how to save you. It may never happen but he should be at least capable of saving you from other men, drowning, earthquakes and avalanches. At the very least, this covers his walking on the car-side of the street, knowing when to un-coil electrical wires, insisting on a seat belt and other such protective gestures. In short, he must not be a wimp.
#3 - The man must know how to drive. And I'm not talking about an automatic or bump cars. He must know how to drive a stick (preferably while holding your hand) and be focused on the road even as you distract him with witty repartee. He should know how to parallel park in under 10 seconds (my own personal gauge of driving skill). And importantly, he must know how to get you somewhere fast for emergencies... like a sale.
#4 - The man must know his way around things. This is very broad but it covers knowing how to assemble furniture, connect 1 wire thingamajig to the other and fix things that are broken. And even if he can't do any of the above, he will tinker and attempt and read the manual over and over before giving up and calling the hired guns. A real man will always pretend to know what to do. This behavior is hard-wired into their genetic code and is directly linked to their ego.
#5 - The man must dress like a man. No white sports socks or brown belts with black shoes!! He must look good in pajamas, casual, sporty and formal attire. He should know that shirts bought at the baby section don't look good on grown men and that pants that taper to their ankles are really leggings in disguise. He should know how to tie a tie (drool), when to tuck in or untuck a shirt and when to leave the top button open or roll up the sleeves.
Of course, the list may change and expand or reduce with time and desperation. The important thing is that while we don't compromise what we want, we realize that men are and can be, trainable (note: I said trainable, not and never under).
The key is in being such a good trainer that the trainee will never know that they are, in fact, being trained. But that's for another blog entry.
posted by moan @ 11:07 PM
1 Comments:
You are an idiot.
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